To learn to sit with these thoughts...

To learn to sit with these thoughts...

uyguguygu   20.20   Comment  

I was writing in my paper journal today (yes, I still have one of those archaic things!) and reflecting on the journey that got me where I am today. I thought about the decisions I had no part in making that shaped me as a person and the things I do and don't talk about. How I learned to stop kicking and screaming because they happened to me, and to sit with them. We cannot put back.

There are great big things happening in this world, things I cannot comprehend and I often feel very small, like a little speck floating around this giant universe, under the blanket of stars, marveling at the beauty of the world, of the kindness and creativity of humanity, and cowering at the terror of what might be and will be and won't be.

But I find comfort in this place, too, in the goodness of the earth and it's patterns, in what grace I have been allotted. When the weariness of the day catches up with me I sit at my dinner table in my perfect dining room (I must admit it is my favorite room of the house) and drink a cup of tea. Sometimes I'll write or read, sometimes I'll listen to music, or memorize a poem or a bit of a play if it's needed, and I put my brain to good use, writing about education as a whole, dreaming up how to fix things. And somewhere in that process, between writing and reading and dinner, the sadness of the world and ache of the day and hunger and futility lift out and away from me, like a mumuration of starlings winging their way out and over into the great beyond, and the peace settles.

It is possible, though, to be peaceful and to know joy and to grieve at the same time. I have no words for what is going on in the Philippines right now, but because I loved it and it will forever be a part of me and who I am I sit with some of the sadness. When I try to articulate it the words don't make sense. The sadness is so difficult for me to fathom so I put it in my heart in the place where my starlings sit and when the time comes after work for me to sit at my dinner table and write or read or work hard on things I let it go with the rest of the sadness, and I think of that collection of sorrows lifting away and out the dining room window, up, up, up, fluttering into the sky illuminated pink by the lights of this city, glowing against the foothills and flying further and further out over the mountains until they are lost in the deep blue of snow and sky on the peaks. 

Amen. 

Go Placidly Amidst the Noise and Haste of the Universe...

Go Placidly Amidst the Noise and Haste of the Universe...

uyguguygu   18.59   Comment  

I want to tell you about a book I read when I was fourteen or fifteen. I can't remember the name of the book at it was so short I think I read it in the course of an afternoon. It was classic young adult fiction, the sort of thing written for moody teenage girls (which, of course, I was) to devour and feel like someone understood them. 

Anyways, the book was about a girl who was in high school and wanted to be a dancer. She must have been in a pre-professional company or something. Every day she would go home and struggle with whatever she struggled with and tell her parents she wanted to be a dancer. 

And every time she said that her dad would gently remind her, "You are a dancer."

And that was the whole lesson of this book. You are a dancer. 

But maybe you're not a dancer. Maybe you write stories in your spare time. You, my friend, are a writer. Or maybe you ride your bike up a mountain or only down the bike path by your house. You are a cyclist. Maybe you make dinner every night, and even though the only patrons at your restaurant are you and your family or even just you. You are a chef. 

The point I'm trying to make here, the thing I first read in this book and learned through living and trying, is that you are what you are doing in life. Even if you're not being paid to do it, if there are no material gains or social rewards where you put your time is who you are. 

One of the things that is generally implied in life as you are growing up is "do good work and the rewards will follow." I believe that contrary to that idea the work is the reward in most cases. There is pleasure in having and finishing, of course, but the stretch of hard work, and the space and time you give to being something, if that makes sense, is where the real joy is discovered.

***

I cannot honestly remember the brands of any of my dance clothing. I do know my pointe shoes are Bloch. 

All of these stunning photographs were taken by Jessica Triggs at Heartflip Photography. Love and gratitude to her, always. 

Whirlwind

Whirlwind

uyguguygu   08.02   Comment  

The word whirlwind, or maybe even the word frenetic, can sum up my fall experience, and all of the online silence. 

I've spent time in Chicago, attended a wedding in South Bend, Indiana, and have driven to various places in Colorado. I've acted in my first play (Gwendolyn Fairfax from The Importance of Being Earnest), learned how to speak in a British accent for that role, filmed a tiny thing for the New York Time's Maximum Shakespeare thing, and have been riding horses just about once a week, all while maintaining a more than full time job and just living day to day.

There has, understandably, been lots of coffee involved.   

Here are some pictures from the whirlwind that has been my life. You can, of course, always see what's going on at instagram over here!

The Insurmountable Wall

The Insurmountable Wall

uyguguygu   18.43   Comment  

This is what it feels like to run right now: it feels very much like running away.

When I have the time I lace up my running shoes, put on my running knickers, a rain jacket if it's looking threatening, or not if the sky is agreeable and clear, plug my headphones into my phone, and bounce down the steps to the sidewalk outside my house.

The minute the first beat hits of that first song I take off like the starting gun has just gone off and I'm racing against everything that's wrong in the world and I must not lose. Everything is cadence, everything is a beat and breath and the spring of my foot on the pavement, and the sidewalk is nothing but a surface to float over. I am running away.

And then suddenly, mid run, there comes the moment I am running to. Sometimes it's after five minutes, sometimes it's after thirty or forty-five, where I have indeed outrun everything, and the world seems to clear up. All my problems are far behind me drowning in the wake I have created because I'm running so very fast, overtaking everyone on the path I run on, because it is all cadence and movement and the feeling of my hair flying behind me, the world tumbling and unfolding, the autumn leaves dancing down around me. It never hurts, not in that moment, because this is not running for exercise, this is running away and the engine is not strength and practice but adrenaline. 

And I try to sustain that moment as long as I can, the incredible absolution and peace that comes in the center of a run, and let it carry me through these long days. I pin down the thoughts that come, repeat them to myself with resolve so that when I am not in a place where I can outrun the worries of the day I can hold onto the wisdom that I have been given by the movement. 

***

No, these are not my running clothes. I'm wearing a Jacket I bought several years ago and cannot find a link to. The shirt is by Madewell, the pants are also by Madewell, and the boots are very old Steve Madden that I can't link to either. The green scarf was a gift from my sister.

***

The words of this poem sustain me. 

"...in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all it's sham, drudgery, and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world."

- Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

Redheads and Redheaded Horses!

arabian blessings Horse horses Life redhead Riding thoroughbred

Redheads and Redheaded Horses!

uyguguygu   19.29   Comment  

I try really hard not to repost pictures from instagram because so many already follow me over there...but I loved this picture my trainer snapped after my lesson today.

The horse I usually ride, an Arabian, was in the process of throwing a shoe and it wouldn't come off but it was flopping around annoyingly and he couldn't be ridden. My trainer let me ride her beautiful horse, who I think is a thoroughbred. He had been shown the day before and was perfectly groomed and so sweet, lovely, and responsive. We also have the same color hair! He is the cuddliest horse I've ever met, which is an added bonus!

Morning Monochrome

Morning Monochrome

uyguguygu   14.20   Comment  

In the morning I like music, but the rest of my household likes to sleep in. As a solution I walk around with my ipod in my back pocket and a set of headphones on. I have three sets to chose from: A set of earbuds that fit under my bicycle helmet and stay in my ears while I run but have terrible sound quality, my gaming headphones that involve a microphone and have middling sound quality, and my studio headphones that have the best quality but a quarter inch connector at the end. I prefer my studio headphones but the adaptor I used to use to connect them to my computer and ipod broke on a flight and I have yet to replace it. 

I also have been setting my hair up in the headband curl thing. It's a very easy wet set that gives me very curly hair, as wet sets left on overnight are just about the only thing that can get my hair to curl for most of the day (It'll be stick straight by 10 PM, though!). It starts out unruly and relaxes throughout the day and I find that if I don't brush it I tend to get better curls, so I take it out and let it be. 

This morning I put on black jeans, a black tank top to protect the shirt I was about to put on, and my black Birkenstocks. I caught myself in my mirror and I had to laugh - with the microphone and headset on I looked like a theater tech with unruly hair.

***

What was I listening to this morning? The Cinematic Orchestra. It's perfect morning music. 

***

I'm wearing pants by Madewell, shoes by Birkinstock, and a tank top by old navy. 

As I Walked Out One Evening...

As I Walked Out One Evening...

uyguguygu   05.59   Comment  

I decided to start memorizing poems a few days ago, as kind of a brain retention challenge, just to see how much I can fit in there. I was inspired by the readers on the iF app I just downloaded. I can get behind Tom Hiddleston, Bill Nighy, Harry Enfield, and Helena Bonham Carter reading me poems! And as I listened to them speak I wondered what it would be like to memorize one, just to have it in my back pocket for the next time I needed a poem.

I started with a short one with two outstanding lines that I fell in love with - When You are Old and Full of Sleep by W.B. Yeats. The lines "But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you/and loved the sorrows of you changing face" spoke so much to me I wanted it wrapped into my brain. Since it was only twelve lines long it was memorized quite quickly. I'm now working on "As I Walked Out One Evening" by W.H. Audin, which is a lot longer but more sing songier. I've gotten about half of that down, and I think I can have the next half memorized soon.

How are you challenging yourself? 

***

Four quick snaps taken on my way to work yesterday - every day I am thankful that I can have such a relaxing and beautiful commute.

***

The shirt is by Madewell, the pants are by Banana Republic, and the shoes are also by Madewell, who makes very comfy, teacher appropriate ballet flats!

***

Also, I sold my cross bike and got a new commuter bike. I really wanted something that I could ride to work in my regular work clothes on. It's a slower ride than my other bikes, it weighs about a million pounds, but I'm totally in love with my new Pashley! I don't think I've ever had so many compliments on a bike so quickly!  

Good Morning, Sunshine!

Good Morning, Sunshine!

uyguguygu   05.45   Comment  

It's six A.M. The alarm goes off and I stumble into my kitchen. My husband, who has made the perfect pot of coffee, has already left for work and the house is quiet. I make myself my morning coffee au lait, stumble back to my room, and plug in my flat iron. While I wait for it to heat up I get dressed in whatever outfit I picked out the night before. When that's done I straight iron my hair and unplug it, double checking to make sure it's off, and put on some minimal makeup (eyeliner, mascara, lip gloss, some concealer if I really need it!). I shower in the evenings after work and my workout so this takes me all less than twenty minutes.

Then comes the best part of my morning. There is time to sit by the dining room window and nurse my cup of coffee. It's ritual, this morning pattern. It helps me wake up slowly, adjust to the day, adapt to the demands of what is to come. The world is waking up and I have a chance to watch it from my window,  and to sit quietly and study, read, or write before I head into the static and noise of the world.  

On the mornings I don't get my morning routine in I feel a bit worse for the wear. What is your morning routine? What makes it special?

***

These pictures were taken very early in the morning at a park. I was on my way to work but the light was perfect so I had to pull over and take a few shots. 

***

This is a great representation of teacher clothes or what I'd wear to work. Every piece is relatively inexpensive and durable. The blazer (linked similar!) is by Banana Republic (purchased on super duper sale!), the skirt and the shirt are from Target, and the shoes are my ever comfortable Sperry Top-siders.

Impromptu Polo

Impromptu Polo

uyguguygu   07.58   Comment  

I don't know how I got myself entangled in this adventure. One minute I was sitting on the lawn chairs outside of the barn I ride at after a lesson and the next minute I was winding my way towards the polo field. I think it had to do with "No riding experience needed." and "It's OK! Everyone can do it!" and the last comforting one..."See that guy? He's never been on a horse before! You can at least trot so you'll be fine!"

So there I was, learning how to hold (both of) the reins Argentinian style, how to hit the ball without hitting the horse, what to look for in a polo pony, and learning why my post lesson riding breaches and paper thin t shirt are not appropriate gear. (I know it looks like I wear the exact same thing riding because I'm in the exact same outfit as the last horse post! I promise I wear other things and that was a total accident!)

I wasn't very good at it, but I wasn't terribly bad at it either, and I managed not to hit any bystanders, the horse, or myself with the mallet! 

What's the latest accidental adventure you've been on?

***

All of these photos were generously taken by Thomas Dole. 

***

Thanks so much to all three of the Colorado Polo Clubs (Anyone have a link to the club in Northern Colorado? I could not find it via google!) that showed up to make this day awesome, show us the ropes, trailer the horses down, and tack up our Polo Ponies. 

***

I am wearing a shirt by Caslon, my breaches are by TuffRider, and my half chaps are from Dublin. I am always and forever wearing Ariat boots to ride in. My helmet is by Ovation, the sunglasses are from Oakley, and the gloves are Kerrits.

...and in all things, simplicity.

...and in all things, simplicity.

uyguguygu   06.18   Comment  

It was going to be warm so I dressed in a simple black dress, my Birkenstocks, and these fantastic bracelets that my friend S. brought me back from Spain. (Thank you!) The morning started out just as quiet and easy as my outfit - making the bed, tidying the house, tea and journaling by the window, and putting a load of laundry in.

I am grateful for days like this. Breathing room creates time to think. Time to think creates answers. Answers create resolve. Resolve creates action. It is not healthy for me to be busy all the time, for every minute of my schedule to be booked up. Slowness is a luxury I forget I can afford but I am always glad when I can take it. 

What are you doing to simplify? 

***

The shoes are Birkenstock's Gizeh - these are super comfortable shoes for running around. I thrifted the dress some time ago and have no idea where it's from. The bracelets and my every day pearl earrings were both gifts from friends and family.