Minggu, 22 September 2013

The Insurmountable Wall


This is what it feels like to run right now: it feels very much like running away.

When I have the time I lace up my running shoes, put on my running knickers, a rain jacket if it's looking threatening, or not if the sky is agreeable and clear, plug my headphones into my phone, and bounce down the steps to the sidewalk outside my house.

The minute the first beat hits of that first song I take off like the starting gun has just gone off and I'm racing against everything that's wrong in the world and I must not lose. Everything is cadence, everything is a beat and breath and the spring of my foot on the pavement, and the sidewalk is nothing but a surface to float over. I am running away.

And then suddenly, mid run, there comes the moment I am running to. Sometimes it's after five minutes, sometimes it's after thirty or forty-five, where I have indeed outrun everything, and the world seems to clear up. All my problems are far behind me drowning in the wake I have created because I'm running so very fast, overtaking everyone on the path I run on, because it is all cadence and movement and the feeling of my hair flying behind me, the world tumbling and unfolding, the autumn leaves dancing down around me. It never hurts, not in that moment, because this is not running for exercise, this is running away and the engine is not strength and practice but adrenaline. 

And I try to sustain that moment as long as I can, the incredible absolution and peace that comes in the center of a run, and let it carry me through these long days. I pin down the thoughts that come, repeat them to myself with resolve so that when I am not in a place where I can outrun the worries of the day I can hold onto the wisdom that I have been given by the movement. 




No, these are not my running clothes. I'm wearing a Jacket I bought several years ago and cannot find a link to. The shirt is by Madewell, the pants are also by Madewell, and the boots are very old Steve Madden that I can't link to either. The green scarf was a gift from my sister.


The words of this poem sustain me. 

"...in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all it's sham, drudgery, and broken dreams it is still a beautiful world."

- Max Ehrmann, Desiderata

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